Before having Noah I knew where I stood on the “pro-life, pro-choice” issue. Based on my beliefs, and “Horton Hears a who”, I knew that a life was a life, no matter the size. However, I couldn’t fully debate the abortion issue. After all, I did believe in a woman’s right to choose. And even though I would never make such choice for myself, I didn’t want to be so harsh and force my beliefs on women who needed an abortion because they were raped, or poor, or sick.
Then Noah happened…
No matter where you stand on the topic of abortion, I ask that you please read the rest of the post, and if you have any questions/comments, feel free to contact me (I love getting email). I understand the polarized view of this topic, and I understand the complexity of the situation, however, I have been given a unique perspective on this topic. Please allow me to share it with you.
My pregnancy with Noah
Jon and I knew we wanted children. I was 28, he was almost 30. We owned a house, we both had careers and amazing jobs. We could live off his salary and I would have the opportunity to stay home to take care of the baby. We were happily married for two and a half years, our families were waiting for a pregnancy announcement from us at any second. We were what you would call in the “perfect” position to have a baby.
I calculated my ovulation days and boom, we were pregnant. Yay!
Jon cried and jumped and was so excited. Me? I was terrified. Even though I intellectually wanted a baby, I was scared out of my mind. All of the sudden I did not feel ready to have a baby. Our house had stairs; the spare room was full of crap other stuff; I loved my job and didn’t want to leave it to be a stay-at-home mom. Besides, I was going to get fat! Then add the hormones. At times I can honestly say I did not want to be pregnant anymore.
The morning when Noah died, after throwing up the breakfast my husband so lovingly made and feeling like I was dying due to the pregnancy, two nights in labor, not to mention the infection, I said “I do not want to be pregnant”… God, in His love and wisdom has showed me that he did not hear those words, and my baby did not die because of what I said.
What I am trying to get at with this is: even though I was in a privileged position, I know the feeling of not wanting to be pregnant.
Of course even though I felt that way, I did everything in my power to protect my baby. Call it instinct, call it conviction, call it not wanting to have a less-than-perfectly healthy child to take care for the rest of my life… I did not do any of the things that could harm the baby. I gave up coffee, deli meats, sushi, alcohol, soft cheeses, tuna, shellfish, mayonnaise, undercooked meat, soft boiled eggs…did I mention coffee? (I’m Colombian and live in Miami… let that sink in… I gave up COFFEE!)… I did not take any medicine, and every single day I took my prenatal vitamins. One day I cried myself to sleep because I threw up after I took my vitamin and was so sad I wasn’t giving the nutrients to the baby.
So, I KNOW pregnancy is not fun. I know the incredible sense of responsibility and helplessness you feel in pregnancy. I cannot even imagine not having a husband, or a job, or anyone to support me. So my heart breaks if you were in the difficult state of pregnancy, and found yourself in a position of having to terminate it. Please know I don’t condemn you and I am happy to talk and pray with you.
So back to that Tuesday when Noah died. I said I did not want to be pregnant and went to work hating life, not knowing I was actually in labor. I saw four students and asked to go home. Then everything happened and we met our baby boy…
The hours before delivering him were the most nerve wracking moments I can recall. Not only was I worried about things going wrong and losing my uterus, I was also extremely scared about seeing “it”. I didn’t know what to expect (apparently, “13 weeks 6 days fetus” is not a common Google Image search), I didn’t know if I was going to be disgusted by it, or disappointed. I didn’t want to see the almost 14 week old fetus I was carrying. I was terrified of facing the reality of having a dead child. When the doctor explained the procedure of inducing labor, she stated I was going to “pass the fetal tissue”. At that very moment, I felt extreme comfort in her not calling it a baby.
Then he came out, and I saw him, and named him. Those were some of happiest moments of my life. I loved him instantly, I still do. He was so small and fragile, yet so complete. He looked like his daddy, and had the perfect feet and ears. To this day, I thank God for choosing me to grow his little fingers, toes and nose in my womb.
My Perspective
I hope you get the point of what I am saying. I have been there, wanting to justify “it” not being a fully formed human being. Trying to convince myself that what I lost was not my child. Even though I would have given my life for Noah’s, even before I knew he was Noah, I can relate to the tendency to want to see a fetus as “just a ball of cells” out of fear.
Feeling like that is okay. What is not okay is acting like that.
If I had been given the option, I would have saved my son’s life. I would have given up absolutely everything. I would have thrown up every day, even 10 times a day during my whole pregnancy if it meant having my baby in my arms right now. I would have given up feeling normal for the rest of my life… But I couldn’t save him. That infection took his life…
So on the topic of abortion… abortion is killing your child. Plain and simple. No matter how early it is, a fetus is a human. Just a very very tiny human, who needs his mother to survive, to give him a chance…
Also, even though abortion clinics want to lie to you and tell you it is completely safe and normal to have the procedure and then go on with your life as if nothing ever happened; it is not. I will tell you: your body remembers you are a mom. My breasts leaked milk for weeks after I gave birth to Noah. I bled for a while, just like a mother who gives birth to a full term alive baby. My heart breaks for a woman who had an abortion thinking it will be a solution to her problem, only to have to face the harsh reality after the abortion. Abortion does not take away your motherhood, it makes you a mother of a dead child.
I am a mother of a dead child, and my heart is with you…
I love you, whoever you are, reading this. And I pray my post did not cause pain. But if it did, let that pain transform you for the better.
If you are pregnant and need help, please know there are countless resources out there for you that will give you more options than the lies given by some abortion clinics. I would list them all here, but if you found this blog post, I am sure you can find reliable local pregnancy support services. If not, contact me and I promise I will help you find them!
6 responses to “On the Topic of Abortion”
I think it’s really important to remember that not all decisions to terminate are made when facing the prospect of a healthy pregnancy. Some are faced with the difficult decision of whether to continue with a pregnancy with the knowledge that their baby will have major physical and intellectual disabilities, frequent hospitalisations, be constantly in pain and have limited quality of life. It is an extremely difficult and heartbreaking decision to make and for some it can be considered the kindest option. I feel for anyone who is ever in the heartbreaking position to have to make this decision. X
Thank you for reading! You are correct. I don’t pretent to know all circumnstances around the decision of terminating a pregnancy. I speak from my limited point of view of being the mother of a dead baby. And knowing that I would have done anything in my power to continue Noah’s life. It is a heartbreaking decision and my heart is with all the mothers facing this. Thanks for your support!
For sure! I don’t think we can ever really fully comprehend what we would do unless we’re faced with the situation ourselves and I would never wish such a difficult decision on anyone x
Correct! And that is the purpose of this post. Share my own experience and my thoughts and feelings throughout this difficult process.
I felt such heartache when I discovered that the term used in my situation was ‘assisted termination’. My story is a bit similar to yours where an infection caused me to go into early labour, however Jordan was still perfectly well and healthy. It was when my waters broke that the tables turned. Without amniotic fluid there was no way he could survive. His heart rate was already extremely elevated which meant he was suffering. I then had to take medication to kill of the placenta and in essence kill Jordan. Or speed up his impending death in a sense. So I found it very hard to come to terms with the fact that I had chosen to assist in the termination/death of my child. I just had to keep reminding myself that it was in actual fact the kindest thing to do. To not prolong his suffering.
Hi Susan. First of, I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Jordan. There are no words that will make this situation better. But know my heart is with you! You are so strong for sharing your story! Thank you for that! It is ok to grieve and come in terms with the reality of what happened. I remember thinking back to Noah’s ultrasound and being terrified of him being in pain. His heart slowed down on the ultrasound, so we basically saw him die. Not that you need my opinion, but I think you did the best thing as a mother. You knew he was in pain the acted in the best interest for you and your baby. Please be gentle with yourself.
Medical terms can be very hurtful. I actually got a medical bill with the term “abortion” on it. It was heart wrenching to see a reminder of the death of my baby. Praying for your healing heart!