The process of grief is funny–for lack of a better word. Some people are not ready to share their pain until years after an event. And that’s okay.
But me? I talk through my elbows; this is a Colombian expression, I’m not sure if it translates well. It means I talk a lot. (By the way, expect many of these expressions from me!) I process things by talking through them, it’s who I am. So when I lost Noah, I needed to share his story with everyone to start walking through my grief and because it really is an amazing story!
I realized it was easier to just write things down than to text every person I know (although I did that at first, and I am forever grateful for the people that texted me back)! So I started writing in a Google doc titled “Noah”…
Our third wedding anniversary fell exactly one week after Noah was born (August 2nd). We already had a “babymoon/anniversary trip” planned for July 30th through August 3rd. It fell on the week after everything happened. When I asked my doctor if I could go (what I meant was if I was physically well enough to travel), her answer was, “I want you to go, you have to go.”
So we decided to make it a getaway to process our grief, and God spoke to us in a million ways during those five days. You will read a lot about this trip in later posts, so be prepared!
We randomly picked Clearwater, Florida for the getaway. At one point on our way there, I turned to Jon and said, “I want to tell Noah’s story to the world (or, you know, my 10 friends), I want to start a blog. Would you help me?” It just so happens that he’s the best web developer/awesome computer stuff guy; a blog made so much sense.
Why now?
After I decided to create a blog, I realized the best time to launch it would be after the “peak” registration period at work ends (for you higher education people: you know how hectic it gets at the beginning of Fall semester), to have time to devote to it. This would fall right at the end of August/ beginning of September.
Once we got to Clearwater I took some time to read the story of Noah in the Bible and realized September 3rd is exactly 40 days after Noah’s death. Forty is an important number in the story of Noah, since it was the amount of days and nights that it rained on the earth while Noah and his family were in the ark. So September 3rd was when I officially launched Darkest Fairy Tale.
Why the name?
My Noah’s story is full of symbolism: a storm, a bird, a rainbow, pain, grief, the Gospel. I wanted a name that conveyed all of these but was still catchy. I knew God was going to give me the perfect name at the perfect time.
Then another huge part of our baby’s story came to place: the movie “The Little Prince” I will expand more on the amazing meaning this movie has on my story with Noah, but for now I want to focus on two songs from the soundtrack.
After finishing watching the movie (if you haven’t, please watch it, it’s on Netflix) I was bawling, I was angry, and the song “Turn around” came on.
It was Noah’s way of telling me “mommy, turn around, I am happy in heaven!” and I felt peace. There was one particular lyric in the song that caught my attention. “Now, why don’t you sing out loud the tune you keep inside?” I had my Noah’s tune in my heart and needed to sing it out loud. He told me that, and that is where the tagline came from.
Then the next morning I went out on our balcony in the hotel room and watched the sunrise. I prayed, read the Bible and then decided to listen to the soundtrack for “The Little Prince” on YouTube. A song called “Salvation” by Gabrielle Aplin came up on the playlist. A particularly powerful section of the song caught my attention:
“You are the snowstorm
I am purified
The darkest fairy tale
In the dead of night”
And right there at that very moment, I knew my blog had to be named “darkest fairy tale” and with it, I was going to share the “tune” I had inside.
And this blog was born.
I am honored to be chosen by God to be the bearer of Noah’s story.
I hope He likes this blog.
I hope Noah likes this blog…
3 responses to “Why Now? Why the Name?”
Glad you were able to get your second post out in spite of Irma! I well understand your need to tell the story. At times I haven’t even understood my feelings entirely until I was able to get them all out on paper. I know that others besides yourselves will be blessed by it as well. It is just amazing the multitude of different ways that the Lord uses to speak to and comfort his people. It was just precious that he gave you peace through such an upbeat, positive manner !
Estefi! Post No. 2! You go girl!
I’m going to make it a point to watch the little prince after reading your post. Just like you “talk a lot” lol you know your Meli “feels” a lot. And to some I can seem expressive like my doggie Rocky lol… As I’ve gotten older it’s been harder to keep those emotions from showing like I use to. I often wonder do my expressions on the outside really look like what & how I’m really thinking and/or feeling on the inside…. I’m sure you can relate to this.
I don’t think anyone can truly feel the pain that YOU are feeling inside, but I feel a pain Estefi. Perhaps a piece of your pain. It hurts. Today after reading your post I thought of Jesus and how much he loves us. He loved us so much he died for us. I think about how much you love Noah and how much Noah loved you. To love like Jesus….
To love like Jesus. Love is also a funny thing. It can be so beautiful. It can be so desirable, so uplifting. A sincere and beautiful love can also be painful.
To give His only son.
Love can be beautifully painful and painfully beautiful. How are we going to love like Jesus? How will we show the world to love like Jesus?
Love you. Meli
Meli, this is so beautiful. You are right! love is everything, love is the reason we are here, and the reason we will always be. We can love because He loved us first. Thank you for your love and support! Your friendship means SO much!!