Last weekend, Jon and I took a break from packing (yes, we’re moving) and went to the movies. We never do this, because movies tickets are expensive and there’s not that many movies in theaters that are worth the $15 and two hours of our time. Jon expressed a particular interest for the movie A Quiet Place directed by and starring John Krasinski and his wife. Jon never really shows that much interest for movies that do not star Luke Skywalker, so we decided to use a gift card we found while packing (yay!) and watch it.

The movie was absolutely fantastic on so many levels. But I would like to share how it spoke to me, as a loss mom. (Spoilers for A Quiet Place ahead.)

The movie centers on a family of five living in rural, post-apocalyptic New York. The family must live out their lives in near silence thanks to a recent infestation of lightning-fast, lethal alien monsters who hunt entirely based on sound.

The movie’s opening scene features the family silently going to an abandoned store to get medicine for their oldest son, who is sick. In this store, their youngest son, Beau, finds a toy rocket. He signs (they communicate with sign language) to his sister that he wants to use a rocket to escape the scary world his family is living in. When the family walks back home from the store, Beau decides to take the toy rocket out of his backpack and it makes a loud noise. The father, Lee (played by John Krasinski), rushes to save Beau but he’s not fast enough. The little boy is attacked and killed by one of the aliens.

The parents lose their son within the first few minutes of the movie.

The next scene takes place about a year later and it shows Evelyn, the mother of the family (played by Emily Blunt), is pregnant.

Let’s pause right there.

At first glance, this might be seen as not a big deal, or more like, “They lost a son, so they decide to have another.”

But let’s think about what this means…

They are still living in fear, maybe even more so than in the past, when Beau died, given that more of these monsters are discovered and more and more people are being killed around the family. And yet, they decide to bring a new life into that world.

Fear, Risk, and Worth

This particular aspect of the movie truly touched me, because as Jon and I move forward, I am of course thinking dreaming of trying to have a baby again. Of course I have baby fever, and of course I want to hold a baby in my arms and call it my own. But I am scared. I am scared of not being able to get pregnant. I am scared of experiencing the discomfort of pregnancy again. And I am most scared of losing another baby. I am scared of an infection, or any of the other many reasons a miscarriage can happen. I am terrified.

And I saw myself in Evelyn. The danger of her son being killed was imminent. The monsters were still a reality and the danger was even greater because… have you ever heard anything louder than a newborn? And yet she chose to bring another baby into her family. Because the joy of having another child was greater than the fear of losing him. Because the chance at life is always worth the risk.

The chances of my baby dying may be lower than the chances for Evelyn’s baby. But I am still scared. And yet, I know I will try again, because being a mom is worth the risk of going through pain.

Not so Quiet Grief

You can really tell this family is grieving the death of Beau. Even in this post-apocalyptic world, when death is a daily occurrence and highly likely to happen, the death of their son is still a tragedy. Lee carries a picture of Beau and looks at it when he is planning ways of protecting his family. The mother goes to the boy’s space-themed room and silently cries because she misses him.

Once the new baby is born (and boy oh boy is that scene intense) as Evelyn is recovering, we see that Beau is still in her heart. The parents escape to a soundproof room and we hear the first spoken line in the movie. She tells Lee, “I could have carried him, but he was too heavy”, leaving Lee confused thinking she was referring to the new baby. She then says, “I can still feel the weight in my arms, so heavy and yet so light.” Referring to her son, Beau, who is no longer with them. Even though she was holding her brand new baby (baby number four), her arms and heart were longing for her third child.

I relate so much to what she was expressing. I can still feel the weight of Noah in my arms. I will always feel it, because when I am carrying his brother/sister, my arms will long for my first son. He will always be missing from our lives and there is nothing that will change that.

So what I learned from this movie is: You can still rejoice in the fear. You can grieve a life that was lost even in the excitement of a new life.

Also, I don’t think I’d be able to be quiet for the rest of my life…