I am very blessed to be surrounded by mothers and babies. I have three nephews and one niece and very close friends with babies. I was actually very excited to have my baby, since I was going to be surrounded by so many moms.

When I lost Noah, I did not just lose my baby, I lost the right to belong to a certain group. I still question whether or not I am “allowed” to comment on my pregnancy with Noah in a casual conversation about babies or pregnancies. I feel I did not have enough of a “pregnancy” to gain a place in those types of conversations. I keep from talking about my pregnancy in a group setting because people tend to get uncomfortable with the fact that my baby is dead.

Where Do I Fit In?

As time passed after Noah’s death, I realized the story of Noah and everything that happened was no longer “the news”. Meaning: life moved on. My friends’ kids were growing, unlike Noah. My friends and family members were dealing with the everyday challenges of parenting. They would have conversations about the development of their kids around me. Meanwhile, I was just in my grief.

It was hard not to want to try for another baby right away. I had to constantly silence that voice screaming “once I have a baby I won’t feel this pain anymore”. My husband and I decided more babies were nowhere in the near future, as we decided to take some steps prior to trying again (I got a myomectomy).

However, one day, as I had to purposely leave a conversation about babies and sleeping problems, I had a realization. It’s not that a baby is going to fill the void in my heart, it is just that I am a mother, with motherly feelings, but I have “nothing” to show for it.

God has showed me in countless ways that I am, in fact, a mother. However, I can’t help but feel left out in the parenting conversations… I am no longer part of the “no kids” group. But I am not a parent, I will never be able to say “oh, Noah is not eating or sleeping” in a conversation… and that hurts more that I anticipated.

I guess what I am trying to say is: I am a mother, but I am not a parent.

A Mommy Without the Poopy Diapers

I am a mom, I just don’t deal with the hardships of parenting, at least not yet. I realized I was, and will always be, a mom when my breasts leaked milk for weeks after Noah was born. I knew I was a mom when I realized that I would have given up my life, hands down, for Noah to be okay. I was terrified he was in pain, until I remembered that last ultrasound, and remembered his little heart slowly stopping, peacefully. But I would have given up anything in this world to have him with me.

I didn’t know this feeling existed, and if you are a mom, you know what I am talking about.

I have always had a “maternal” aspect to me, especially since my nephews were born. I also realized I was a mom this time I was having a conversation with my sister-in-law, and my nephew was playing on the couch and fell – I reached out and caught him in midair. Those little things have shown me how a child, dead or alive, changes your life.

I am a mom, and I still have yet to change a diaper…

And I think I’ll wait for Noah’s siblings (if God allows us in the future to be pregnant again) for that! 😉