On our flight back from Spain in April of last year, Jon watched the movie Arrival. I highly recommend it, as it is a fantastic sci-fi movie! If you recall from Noah’s story, right after our big trip in April, we decided to start trying to get pregnant.

This might be TMI but if you are reading this blog it is safe to assume you know where babies come from: I am extremely regular on my cycle, therefore, I always know the exact day I ovulate. For those of you who do not know this, a woman’s most fertile days are around her ovulation day. On the day I ovulated in early May–and I believe we conceived Noah–Jon asked me, as a joke, “Do you wanna make a baby?” Since a week after that day I started feeling weird, I am pretty sure we “made” a baby that night. (I just realized my parents and brother are reading this… oh, well lol.)

Anyways, if you watch the movie Arrival, and I recommend you do, you will know that this question was deeper than the simple joke Jon made at the moment. (Spoilers ahead.) In the movie, the main character, Dr. Louise Banks, is given the gift of learning her future as a series of flashbacks. In short, she knows what is going to happen in her life.

At the beginning of the movie, we see her having a baby daughter, and this daughter getting cancer and dying. Then, at the end of the movie it comes full circle and shows the scene of her husband asking her “you wanna make a baby?” And her answering, “yes”.

Here’s a video explaining the ending of the movie:

This movie is harder to explain than I thought. The whole point of the movie is that she chose to have her baby, even though she knew she was going to lose her years later to cancer. In the movie, it is even revealed her husband left her when she shared with him she knew their daughter was going to die. He left her because he felt she made the wrong choice in saying “yes” to that question.
After crying at the end of the movie, I started thinking about her situation, as I am also a mother of a dead child. I thought, “Would I still have chosen to conceive Noah if I knew what was about to happen less than four months later?”

And the answer, from my heart, every time was: YES.

Neither the discomfort of pregnancy, nor the excruciating emotional pain of losing Noah can take away the sweet joy of knowing he was ours. On that dark Tuesday night, I apologized to my mom for the pain of losing her grandbaby. She said something I will never forget: not even this deep pain can take away the happiness that this baby has brought me.

And I agree.

Noah came into my life and transformed me. He freed me from what I thought mattered and most importantly, he pointed me to what really does. Noah has pointed me to the Truth in Christ in a way no one has before.

Pain is inevitable. There is no way out of it, life is painful. And most of the time, given the option, I would definitely choose the painless route. But when we allow this pain to transform us, we find meaning.

Would I have chosen to have Noah in my arms right now? absolutely yes, one million percent (is that even a thing?). I would have never chose to lose him, I would have given anything for him to be here. But as it has been revealed to me multiple times, there was nothing I could have done to keep him alive. So I choose to let this pain transform me.

If you are going through grief right now. Please know it is ok to be sad and cry and doubt God. But you also get to choose how to let this pain transform you. It can either free you, or make you a slave.