Dear Noah,

I’m struggling to decide whether this letter should be in English or Spanish, as I always swore I was going to only speak Spanish to you, and daddy was going to improve his Spanish as well. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, as where you are, there are no languages. (Daddy still needs to improve his Spanish, though.)

I have talked so much about you, but as I was reading a book by another mother who lost her baby, I realized I barely talk to you… I did when I was holding your little body, but there is so much to tell.

My little prince, I miss you so much. Even though I never got to feel you, I miss knowing I was caring for you here on earth. You were my sweetest (and hardest) 14 weeks of my life.

Thank you for choosing me as your mommy. Thank you for growing inside my belly and growing to be such a beautiful tiny (but fully formed) little boy.

You know, for some strange reason I really wanted you to be a girl. I didn’t even have a name for a boy. Thanks for choosing your beautiful perfect name for us.

Even though I wanted a girl, I want you to know my heart was ready for you. I would do anything to still have you inside of me and found out a couple weeks ago that you were a boy. I wanted to decorate your nursery woodland themed, but now that I know you were a boy, I think daddy was going to get his way of having a Pokémon nursery…

There were so many things I wanted to do with you. I was so worried about the little things such as “how am I going to keep a baby entertained all day” or, “what am I going to feed this baby once he (or she) is off breast milk”. If only I knew those things were not going to be a problem, I would have spent more time telling you how much I love you. And I do. I love you Noah. I love you like I never thought I could love a tiny perfect baby boy.

You are so loved! Your abuelas, grandparents, uncles and aunts were expecting you and love you so so much!

Your cousins are awesome! And they would have loved having you to play with. Benji would probably read books to you, Micah would have cooked something for you on his play kitchen. Liam and Sofi were probably going to compete for your toys, as you were going to be very close in age to them.

Noah, even though I threw up almost every day of my pregnancy, and the infection I got was really unpleasant. I want you to know I would have done it all over again. Even knowing I was going to lose you at only 14 weeks. Meeting you changed my life, and I want you to know that.

I also would have done anything in my power to keep you safe. I hope you liked the Greek yogurt and mango I ate so much. I am so happy to know the placenta was perfect and mommy and daddy, in our limited power, gave you everything you needed here on earth.

I wish I could kiss you again, or rock you in an over-expensive rocking chair I was already eyeing in the baby store. I wish I could take you to the park on the stroller I almost bought on sale at Nordstrom.

But not being able to do those things does not take away how important you are to me. You have given me more than I deserve and I promise I will never forget you. I may or may not have your baby siblings, and if I do, I know I will love them. But that does not change my love for you in any way.

Noah, you changed my life. I will never be the same Christian, woman, wife, daughter, friend after losing you. Thank you for showing me pure love, in the deepest, darkest way.

You are the dream I never knew I had.

I love you,

Mommy