Exactly a year ago, we rang in the new year (2017) at the same place we are ringing in 2018: The beautiful cold mountains of North Carolina. A year ago, we welcomed 2017 with champagne and many resolutions: we were going to go to Europe and start trying for a baby. If we were lucky, we were going to finish the year pregnant, or with a baby… 2017 was going to be the best year ever… and it was, but not for the reasons I expected.

New year’s resolutions are such a foolish deception of control… magically, when the clock strikes midnight and the Times Square ball drops, we get a new chance to make things better. We resolve to lose weight, save money, travel or have a baby… it is all up to us—or so we think.

Well, 2017 did go as planned. We went to Europe and we got pregnant. However, I never expected my baby would die that same year…

As painful as 2017 has been, it has also been the most transformative year of my life. I would not like to be the same person I was exactly a year ago making those resolutions, thinking it was all up to me to “be happy”.

In 2017, God gave me my baby and He took him away. Like Job said: “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised” (Job 1:21). Even though our Noah is not physically with us, we will always have him in our lives and hearts. And the lessons we learned from having—and losing—him, will always stay with us.

So, dear 2017: thank you for the joy, the pain, and the lessons. Thank you for my Noah, for this blog and for the person you made me through the darkest grief of my life. Thank you for reminding me that my Hope is set on something greater than anything I can accomplish here on earth.

And hello, 2018: May God give us the grace to endure whatever you may bring…

Happy New Year!